So, the other day, I received another funny email with what is said to be Jeff Foxworthy’s “YOU MIGHT BE A SCHOOL TEACHER IF…” snippets. I have always enjoyed reading them, and this particular day, the words motivated me to go cyber surfing for something funny about ONLINE teachers. What did I find? Nothing! Can you believe that??!! Well, I said to myself, “harrumph,” and then I decided to “borrow” from Jeff Foxworthy and come up with my own eloquent snippets. I tried to locate an email address for Jeff Foxworthy, so I could ask permission to use his snippets; I really do want to be a good Internet citizen…would that make me a good “Netizen?” <Really hoping so.> At any rate, I give Jeff Foxworthy credit for his thoughts and thank him for sparking a nugget of witticism in my own brain files. At least, I hope a couple of them will bring forth a smile, especially if you’re an online teacher. I will start by posting Foxworthy’s thoughts beside my own. Then, below the comparison, you will find a few more snippets of my own creation, and a few that are adapted from tidbits I’ve gathered around the Web. My sincere apologies if you recognize any of these; I will be happy to apply credit where credit is due. All you have to do is let me know. I mean no harm; I just like to make people smile and share the love. Oh, and if you have another snippet to add, feel free to comment!
YOU MIGHT BE A TEACHER IF… vs. YOU MIGHT BE AN ONLINE TEACHER IF…
|Jeff Foxworthy||Viki Gardner (me)|
|1. You can hear 25 voices behind you and know exactly which one belongs to the child out of line.||1. You can hear an email beep when you are in the other side of the house.|
|2. You get a secret thrill out of laminating something.||2. You get a secret thrill out of being invisible on Skype.|
|3. You walk into a store and hear the words “It’s Ms/Mr.> _________” and know you have been spotted.||3. You log into your classroom and hear the beep on Skype and know you have been spotted.|
|4. You have 25 people that accidentally call you Mom/Dad at one time or another.||4. You have 25 people that accidentally forget to take you off their mailing lists.|
|5. You can eat a multi-course meal in under twenty minutes.||5. You can take all the time you want to eat a multi-course meal, so long as it can sit next to your computer.|
|6. You’ve trained yourself to go to the bathroom at two distinct times of the day: lunch and planning period.||6. You wait until you can stand it no more, and then you broadcast on Skype, “brb” and run to the bathroom.|
|7. You start saving other people’s trash, because most likely, you can use that toilet paper tube or plastic butter tub for something in the classroom.||7. You either donate or throw out all your trash, because you can’t use it in the online classroom.|
|8. You believe the teachers’ lounge should be equipped with a margarita machine.||8. You believe you should set up your desktop in the wet bar.|
|9. You want to slap the next person who says “Must be nice to work 8 to 3 and have summers off.”||9. You want to slap the next person who says “Must be nice to work 8 to 3 and have summers off.”|
|10. You believe chocolate is a food group.||10. You believe caffeine in any form is a food group.|
|11. You can tell if it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.||11. You can’t tell if it’s a full moon without looking outside.|
|12. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.”||12. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone finds out who you really are.|
|13. You feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior when you are out in public.||13. You feel the urge to grab strangers’ Blackberries and iPods and run with them.|
|14. You believe in aerial spraying of Ritalin.||14. You believe in aerial spraying of No Doz.|
|15. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.||15. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.|
|16. You spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own needs.||16. You spend more money on Web 2.0 applications than you do on your own needs.|
|17. You can’t pass the school supply aisle without getting at least five items!||17. You can’t read an educational site without clicking on at least five hyperlinks!|
|18. You ask your friend if the left hand turn he just made was a “good choice or a bad choice.”||18. You ask your friend if his school is “accredited or non-accredited.”|
|19. You find true beauty in a can full of perfectly sharpened pencils.||19. You find true beauty in a classroom where all the hyperlinks work.|
|20. You are secretly addicted to hand sanitizer and||20. You are secretly addicted to Diet Mountain Dew and|
|21. You understand instantaneously why a child behaves a certain way after meeting his or her parents.||21. You understand instantaneously why a child responds in a certain way after reading the first email from his or her parents.|
More from me…YOU MIGHT BE AN ONLINE TEACHER IF…
You panic at the sound of thunder because you know you have to turn off the computer.
You wander aimlessly through the house during a thunderstorm.
“Sheesh…how did it get so late?” comes out of your mouth at least once a night.
The verbs, “cooking and cleaning” are not in your vocabulary.
You know the meanings of the terms, “digital dinosaur,” “digital immigrant” and “digital native.”
You think that looking out the window is a form of entertainment.
You get flushed and excited when you hear the beep that signals, “You’ve got mail.”
You live in your PJs and fuzzy slippers.
You don’t know if it’s hot or cold, rainy or sunny outside.
Your teaching day starts at 1:00 pm.
“Turning in early” means anytime before 2 am.
You watch television via YouTube, Sidereel or Hulu.
You think of doing the laundry as a social event.
You understand Internet verbs, such as “Facebooking,” “Myspacing,” “Youtubing” and “Twittering” (aka “tweeting”).
You believe that cereal is a meal any time of the day.
You identify schools by their Internet domains.
You have difficulty reading anything that doesn’t have hyperlinks.
The concept of free time scares you.
You use smileys to communicate approval of your colleagues’ ideas.
You go by your SKYPE screen name.
You have so many usernames and passwords, you don’t have a clue who you really are.
You believe that your colleagues actually look like their avatars.
You buy Visine in bulk.
Your best student demonstrates her intense passion for a discussion by typing IN ALL CAPS.
Your back is hunched from sitting slumped in a chair, not from carrying heavy tote bags.
You realize your students have forgotten the difference between “surfing” and “researching.”
Faculty meetings are held in a chat room on a Friday night.
You take your laptop on vacation and actually work.
You don’t remember your last “weekend off.”
You can email and cook at the same time.
You find yourself citing websites in conversation.
You have ever attempted to track your own progress across the Internet.
You are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to “Twitter.”
You rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
You tell the time of day by looking on your taskbar.
You regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
You consider online job applications to be works in progress.
You have your resume in several different “databases” at all times.
You have given up trying to keep your documents and files organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
You have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
You live 500 miles away from your school and you commute to class in warm, fuzzy slippers or flip-flops, depending on the season.
Remember, if you have another snippet to add, feel free to comment!
Until next time,
Laugh a little; learn a lot; live long!