YOU MIGHT BE AN ONLINE TEACHER IF…

YOU MIGHT BE AN ONLINE TEACHER IF…
by Viki Gardner

So, the other day, I received another funny email with what is said to be Jeff Foxworthy’s “YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TEACHER WHEN” snippets. I have always enjoyed reading them, and this particular day, the words motivated me to go cyber surfing for something funny about ONLINE teachers. What did I find? Nothing! Can you believe that??!! Well, I said to myself, “harrumph,” and then I decided to “borrow” from Jeff Foxworthy and come up with my own eloquent snippets. I tried to locate an email address for Jeff Foxworthy, so I could ask permission to use his snippets; I really do want to be a good digital citizen…would that make me a good “digizen?”
At any rate, I give Jeff Foxworthy credit for his thoughts and thank him for sparking a nugget of witticism in my own brain files. At least, I hope a couple of them will bring forth a smile, especially if you’re an online teacher. I will start by posting Foxworthy’s thoughts beside my own. Then, below the comparison, you will find a few more snippets of my own creation, and a few that are adapted from tidbits I’ve gathered around the Web. My sincere apologies if you recognize any of these; I will be happy to apply credit where credit is due. All you have to do is let me know. I mean no harm; I just like to make people smile and share the love. Oh, and if you have another snippet to add, feel free to comment!

Below is my response to Jeff Foxworthy’s “HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TEACHER?”

Jeff Foxworthy1. You can hear 25 voices behind you and know exactly which one belongs to the child out of line.

2. You get a secret thrill out of laminating something.

3. You walk into a store and hear the words “It’s Ms/Mr.> _________” and know you have been spotted.

4. You have 25 people that accidentally call you Mom/Dad at one time or another.

5. You can eat a multi-course meal in under twenty minutes.

6. You’ve trained yourself to go to the bathroom at two distinct times of the day: lunch and planning period.

7. You start saving other people’s trash, because most likely, you can use that toilet paper tube or plastic butter tub for something in the classroom.

8. You believe the teachers’ lounge should be equipped with a margarita machine.

9. You want to slap the next person who says “Must be nice to work 8 to 3 and have summers off.”

10. You believe chocolate is a food group.

11. You can tell if it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.

12. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.”

13. You feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior when you are out in public.

14. You believe in aerial spraying of Ritalin.

15. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

16. You spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own needs.

17. You can’t pass the school supply aisle without getting at least five items!

18. You ask your friend if the left hand turn he just made was a “good choice or a bad choice.”

19. You find true beauty in a can full of perfectly sharpened pencils.

20. You are secretly addicted to hand sanitizer and

finally,

21. You understand instantaneously why a child behaves a certain way after meeting his or her parents.

Viki Gardner (me)1. You can hear an email beep when you are in the other side of the house.

2. You get a secret thrill out of being invisible on Skype.

3. You log into your classroom and hear the beep on Skype and know you have been spotted.

4. You have 25 people that accidentally forget to take you off their mailing lists.

5. You can take all the time you want to eat a multi-course meal, so long as it can sit next to your computer.

6. You wait until you can stand it no more, and then you broadcast on Skype, “brb” and run to the bathroom.

7. You either donate or throw out all your trash, because you can’t use it in the online classroom.

8. You believe you should set up your desktop in the wet bar.

9. You want to slap the next person who says “Must be nice to work 8 to 3 and have summers off.”

10. You believe caffeine in any form is a food group.

11. You can’t tell if it’s a full moon without looking outside.

12. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone finds out who you really are.

13. You feel the urge to grab strangers’ Blackberries and iPods and run with them.

14. You believe in aerial spraying of No Doz.

15. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

16. You spend more money on Web 2.0 applications than you do on your own needs.

17. You can’t read an educational site without clicking on at least five hyperlinks!

18. You ask your friend if his school is “accredited or non-accredited.”

19. You find true beauty in a classroom where all the hyperlinks work.

20. You are secretly addicted to Diet Mountain Dew and

finally,

21. You understand instantaneously why a child responds in a certain way after reading the first email from his or her parents.

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